Pero si me vale la pena

15 July 2008

Guilt grips my heart, some days, as soon as I wake up. I usually wake up because Marc’s alarm goes off. He is stirring in bed, trying not to dread work. Marc goes to work, and I… don’t. Marc loves me and my swollen tummy enough to go to work at fkn SUBWAY. We discussed this arrangement with tenderness. There was a time, anyway, that I worked and he stayed home and played with the cat.

I can never open my mouth to complain about the fact that Marc and I disagree about what a committed relationship can be, but not what OURS is. This is because I feel so damn SAFE with this feminist darling who rubs oil all over my back and hugs me when I’m cranky.

My heart skipped many beats as I stared at him last night. He was lying on his stomach with the lap top in front of him, house music audible to me through his headphones. I tried to read The Roots of Natural Mothering, but I just wanted to stare at him. So guilt trips me when I feel this love. When my mother says it’s okay to stay here for five months. When my sisters hug me and kiss me.

I get the partner, the mother, the sisterhood.

And sometimes, it really, really. Trips me out.

It all goes back to being seven or eight. My mom is hastily dressing me and I am complaining that I hate my shoes. She says, ‘do you know how lucky you are? I didn’t have shoes until I started first grade.’ And of course my stepfather, that single time. ‘Ungrateful bitch’ is a hard phrase to swallow when you’re nine. By the time I was in sixth grade, the school counselor wanted me to seek a professional for ‘being too hard on myself.’ My mama stops coming home, ignores my sisters’ pleas for guidance, has too many girlfriends in a month to count. But I’m harder on myself for wanting more from her than I am on her for neglecting my fourteen-year-old sister. I want to be my sisters’ sister, not their mama. But hey it’s good practice.

But then these are slow, uninteresting discoveries because I am already so far past them, right? Stress, guilt cannot be good for the baby. So now I’ll rest.

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