Hurricane Anxiety

22 July 2008

The nightmare I had this morning lingers in my stomach. I was so painfully mourning Marc in my dream that I felt sick when I woke up. In the dream, Vicky sees me longing to die and pleads “No, the baby!” My belly was slightly bigger than in real life, and I ran as fast as I could with Vicky, holding hands. The strangest theme in most of my dreams since I became pregnant is not being able to fit in spaces. In this nightmare, I asked to go to the bathroom when I was inside the evil alien doctor’s office, and the cubbyhole that I had to crawl through to get to bathroom was impassable with my distended tummy.

We got a picture of the child floating in my stomach today. I was in such a haze at the real doctor’s office this morning. Dr. Flores, I really don’t care for your ways. She told me my scent of garlic was ”too strong, girl!” As if I welcomed her critique of my odor, as if I should thank her for letting me know that I stunk, as if I should be embarrassed. I smell like garlic cuz I shove it in my cunt three times a day, asshole.

I keep tearing up when I think about my nightmare. I couldn’t tell Marc about it without crying. It’s just a stupid nightmare about a meteor striking and releasing aliens that turned everyone into blissful, dancing, brainwashed shells. It’s just a coincidence that everyone in my dream that is a part of my family was already an alien, and sprouted a huge hunched back at the battle call of the alien meteor. The crippling heartbreak of seeing Marc fall at the hands of an evil alien just won’t go away. What a fcking hideous feeling. Just no no no no no. I don’t want this hurricane to come. I want to go somewhere, a hot air balloon, far above the storm, and all my friends can be in hot air balloons near me and we can send paper planes to each other and share snacks. I don’t want Marc to die…. If my mom caught me crying because I’m trying to write a blog about my nightmare, she’d laugh and tell me to stop being a fraidycat. She would probably think I’m crying because of my childhood fear of tornados. But I’m not a child anymore. I just have such a terrible fcking feeling in my chest, and I want to go to sleep until Marc comes home from work.

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2 Responses to “Hurricane Anxiety”

  1. habanerojack Says:

    baby if u would have stayed in ur dream just a tad bit longer you would have saw that i escaped the aliens and picked u and vicky up in my killa road bike.. then we flew away while viky rolled a doobie in da back.. we lived happily ever after after. ❤

  2. horticulture Says:

    I was dreaming like crazy when sofia cielo was a baby fetus… I can definitely remember having one where I lost my partner, where I was under attack by everyone (or was that me just being paranoic as usual?) but the best dream was when I dreamt that fofi cielo was already a tiny tot and guess what?! she looks just as I dream her, her rosy skin with big cheeks… kind of like a baby beth ditto…hee hee. mami power right back at ya.


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